i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
