i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
