I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
