I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
