And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
