hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
