Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
