Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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