I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
