be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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