my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
