a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
