Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
