How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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