I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
