I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
