I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
