I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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