I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
