Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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