i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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