from now on my penis is your penis
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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