i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
