so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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