Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
