I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
