I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
