i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Randomize
