If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
