Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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