I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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