i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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