Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
