we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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