just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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