does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
