I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
