apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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