I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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