Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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