She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
