you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
