Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
