guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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