Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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