All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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