He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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