so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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