he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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