dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
