need another drink. this is the easiest way
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
