She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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