So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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