Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
