i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I believe in your delicious
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
