I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
