where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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