I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
