Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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