yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
be right there i have to get my cape
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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