I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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