he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
where are my eyebrows?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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