So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So vagazzling was a success
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
