My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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