I wannas sexs uuuuu
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
