You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
